I finally received forgiveness Sunday afternoon.
Dan was my closest guy friend at college. To outsiders, we probably seemed like enemies. After all, we always argued about movies and music. But once they got to know us, they realized how close we were. He could criticize me without pissing me off, something very few people can accomplish. I confided in Dan when it came to issues with my family and friends. He visited me in the hospital after I attempted suicide, and tried to make me feel normal.
Dan and I were great friends. Unfortunately, Dan was also great friends with the people who caused my suicide attempt. Seeing photos of these people and hearing about them through Dan’s Facebook triggered my emotions. I couldn’t deal with another stint in the psych ward. So to save myself from potential pain, I blocked Dan as a Facebook friend.
Looking back this may not have been the best decision. I’m sure I could have handled my emotions better. But at the time, it felt right.
Dan stopped talking to me, which hurt. But worse than that, he started talking about me – at least that’s what I heard. I couldn’t understand why Dan betrayed me or how things became this bad between us.
I tried to let it go. I tried to think about other things. But I couldn’t handle all the unanswered questions. I decided talking to Dan was the only way to deal with the issue. So we met on Sunday in an attempt to clear the air. I told him what I heard and what I felt.
I expected him to call me crazy. Tell me I’m a horrible person. After all, that’s how my previous attempts ended. But Dan didn’t say any of that. Instead he owned up to some of his mistakes and told me his side of things. Due to the Facebook incident, he assumed I didn’t want to be friends anymore. He assumed I didn’t want him in my life. So, understandably, he stopped communicating with me. He didn’t hate me, but he didn’t want to push anything f it wasn’t what I wanted.
We talked for a while and managed to work out our issues. We both realize our friendship will never be the same. But at least now we can see each other and say hi, rather than avoiding each other.
I took a lot away from my conversation with Dan. I learned an action that helps one person can hurt another. I learned there are better ways to deal with a problem than avoiding it.
Most importantly, I learned fights can’t keep good friends apart. When someone plays such an important role in your life for such a long time, you can’t fight forever. It may take time and a lot of talks, but eventually you work things out.
People that are meant to be in my life, like Dan and so many others, will find their way back to me. And that thought keeps me going on my quest for forgiveness.